Study Habit Series: How do you raise a motivated child?

At Study Habit, we are fanatical about encouraging our students to discover their own internal locus of control; Time and time again, Erick and I have seen self-motivated students thrive in the face of challenges, coming back stronger and better after setbacks that would have easily knocked the wind out of most kids.

So, how do we help our children harness the magic of internal motivation? Although it is a relatively straightforward process, it does involve giving up the ghosts of perfection and control. If you are fixated on immediate results, that may have to take a back seat for a while, too. 

Remember, true growth is not always linear. However, one thing is certain: the rewards that come from consistently engaging your child’s heart and mind in the process of discovering their own ability to thrive can be well worth the effort!

Below are some tips to get you going in the right direction. 

When things (inevitably) go wrong, empathize with their feelings about the situation and do your best to move away from admonishments, hysterics, or attempts to “fix” everything. 

Things will invariably go wrong in your child’s academic and personal life. They are human, after all. How you choose to respond to the consequences of your child’s imperfect decision-making is the first step in helping to fine-tune their locus of control.

So, let’s start with what not to do: avoid flooding your child with “I told you so” statements, remarks that cast blame on others, or launching into your list of potential solutions. Now, I know that is a tall order. We adults tend to have prodigious problem solving skills and hate to see our children suffer. Thus, we can easily find ourselves breaking out our super-parent capes at the first sign of trouble to avoid any unpleasantness or discomfort on our child’s (or our own) part.

However, it is well worth the effort to train yourself to sit on your hands and take a step back when kids fall short of your expectations. Why? Your choice to consciously step back gives your child the valuable opportunity to step FORWARD. 

If your child is still used to you fixing all their life dilemmas (big or small),  they may not be ready to take the reins, so start slowly. Take some time to be a neutral sounding board for your child’s thoughts, feelings, and ruminations about day-to-day life. 

By doing this, you are giving yourself the gift of really getting to know what motivates your child, what frustrates them...essentially, learning who they truly are (which may or may not align with who you want them to be!). 

When things go sideways, this type of relationship dynamic will pay dividends for two reasons. Not only will your child feel more comfortable voicing their concerns to you, but you will have honed your abilities to JUST LISTEN without judgment. 

I know those of us who are used to offering 10 step action plans to fix boo-boos are itching for something to do, so here goes!

When your child expresses disappointment, disillusionment, or regret regarding their situation, decision-making, or less than perfect life circumstances, try to reflect those feelings back to them with statements like, 

“I see how difficult this is for you to go through”

“I would feel the same way in your position”

 “I love you; I am so sorry you have to go through this”

“I understand why you would feel that way”

“Your feelings make sense to me”

Again, we are not asking them to ‘buck up’ or ‘look on the bright side’. Although it may be hard to see them suffer, we are also not attempting to fix anything for them.

Instead, we are giving them space to get familiar (and comfortable) with their OWN feelings, reactions, and thoughts around success and failure. How refreshing! How crucial! How empowering!

When the time is right and they are ready to listen, share a few judgment-free questions that encourage self-reflection and critical thought. 

The next step is an important one; Like all of us, your child may need a day or two to process their feelings. However, I guarantee there will be a few post-drama rumblings about the topic/issue after a few days have passed. 

First, a word of warning: We all know our tweens and teens have a habit of pulling up their drawbridges when we launch into yet another well-intentioned lecture, do we not? 

Our kids have a sixth sense for knowing when we are going to give them our 2 cents worth regarding how best to manage their lives, so TREAD LIGHTLY here, parents. 

The following step is oh-so important when it comes to teaching our kids how to rely on themselves to figure out the best way forward when disaster strikes.

If they do not come to you with follow-up feelings regarding the problem in the hours/days after the life blow-up, you could try an opener like “I was thinking about our talk the other day. Do you mind if I ask how you are feeling about the situation now?” 

Wait to see what they come to you with. 

If they share more feelings, go ahead and gently offer some guided questions that encourage self-reflection. Do not suggest a path forward or solutions at this point. Remember, we are trying to encourage THEM to think critically, so they can eventually trust themselves to scale life’s challenges. 

Here are some ideas: 

“Would you use the same approach if something like this were to come up again?”

“Oh, that’s an interesting perspective. Why do you think that?”

“I understand how that might help”

“I don’t understand. What do you mean when you say…”

“Is there anything I can do to support you better with this?”

“I love you; I know you will figure this out. I am always here if you want to share any thoughts or ideas.”

And then leave it alone.

If timed correctly and shared with genuine curiosity and empathy, these types of open-ended and supportive questions will encourage them to explore their own thinking both in the moment and when they are on their own. 

Rinse and Repeat

If you’ve fallen into a rut of being a tad overbearing, admonishing or controlling when things go wrong in your child’s life, it can take some time for the tides to turn in your favor.  

However, if we are diligent and authentic in our approach, there will come a day when your child will develop the confidence to begin managing setbacks more independently and/or ask you outright for some guidance (!!!).

By all means, share your advice, but do it with a soft touch. Frame your thoughts as just those: thoughts. They are not mandates or fool proof suggestions that your child MUST fellow or else.

Here are some ideas:

“Only you know what is going to work for you and ultimately this is your decision to make”

“Would you mind if I share some reflections on the challenges I have faced that helped me grow? (Insert appropriate challenges and what your general takeaways were). What are your thoughts on that?”

“I see you as so very (insert any skill you genuinely believe your child has that could help with problem solving). What do you think might happen if you applied that skill here?” 

Remember the goal is to provide ample opportunity and space for your child to think critically about how their actions and attitudes influence their lives. If we keep engaging them in the aforementioned process, there is a higher likelihood that our children will develop the confidence to weather (almost) any storm. Over time, this confidence will eventually engender feelings of self-efficacy and internal motivation. 

Depending on the state of your relationship, how ready you are to embrace this new approach, and what may be at stake academically/personally during this stage of your child’s life,  it may be helpful to have a neutral third party lend you a helping hand.

If the majority of issues are related to academic performance, working with an academic support team like Erick and myself may be what your family needs to help make your child’s motivation light shine brighter!

This is the first in a series of posts dedicated to raising kids who are internally motivated, so check back for more tips soon!